Church Abuse/ Rebuke

[Kfawn]

Hello, I have been struggling with the senior pastors. I am the wife of the associate pastor. They have ideas that I should be doing almost everything with my husband- going to every meeting that he goes to and the women's meetings.
Since I was homeschooling I ended up burning out. I go to the three services a week but have dropped every other church thing. I used to help with Sunday school but now I just decorate the church and pray with people and help my husband counsel people. I do meet with people and pray/ visit with them sometimes.
Anyway, I brought up an issue with the youth pastor and then on Wednesday it seemed to me our senior pastor was rebuking me from the pulpit for it( though of course he didn't mention names)- so I thought because it seems to me like this happed with other people.
I was speaking with a counselor and she encouraged me to just ask him- were you addressing me. And so that's what I did because I was feeling hurt about it.
I am glad to say that he wasn't targeting me when he said all the stuff he said.
Anyway, during that conversation, they told me how upset they were, well I got mixed messages from them. At one point he said it's okay that I don't do all the things they expect and then on the other hand they were criticizing me.
But this is the thing that bothered me. They asked why I leave when pastor talks, and I leave because he comes across as abusive to me, that's not saying he is, but because I am dealing with hurts from the past but I guess sometimes he comes across to me as mocking. It's hard to explain, but I was trying to be honest.
And then his wife said to me your a pastor's wife you should be better sometimes I just think you need a real good spanking. You need to be spanked.
I am just tired of being talked to like this. I think I forgive them. I don't know how to have a relationship with these people.
But anyway, is this a weird way to talk to someone? Or is it normal. Cause it doesn't feel like it should be normal.

[RabbiKnife]

I don’t know where you are from or what your culture is, but

This behavior from the leadership is not normal
It is not Christlike
It is not acceptable

And Jesus does not approve

[tango]

Spanked? Seriously?

If someone said that to my wife they really wouldn't like my response to it.

[Kfawn]

I am Canadian, but this is a native church.
My husband doesn't know how they talked to me cause he wasn't there. I am not sure they would have talked to me like that if he was.
They really only talk to me when I approach them about concerns. They kind of get defensive and then be like ,well you have these problems. Almost like, don't talk about my problems when you have these. But their problems with me mostly have to do with the expectations they have.
I have never confronted people before this really. Like I know they come from abusive backgrounds ect. But I felt like it was wrong for her to say that to me.
I feel like if I try address this, it will also turn into another hurtful thing.

[tango]

If church leadership is abusive (if leadership of anything is abusive) they will turn problems you raise into your problems. It means you're more likely to shut up and go away and it's less likely they have to actually do anything.

Patterns like that don't necessarily mean leadership is abusive (in your case it sounds like they are, I'm talking more general observations as above), it can mean leadership is either inept or in over their heads. If you can't address a situation you can hide from it, ignore it, hope it goes away. Sometimes you can even get people to continue to serve while you ignore their concerns, if you make the right noises about listening and wanting to take some time to consider what they said.

If leadership is treating you badly there comes a point where your best option is to just walk away and find another church.

[Kfawn]

Thank you for your help, sometimes I feel like am I overthinking this and I don't really know who to talk to.
Anyway, this helped to know that it's not okay to talk to people like this.