Dumb Criminals!

[Sojourner]

One day in 1995, a middle-aged man robbed two Pittsburgh banks in broad daylight. He didn’t wear a mask or any sort of disguise. He also smiled at surveillance cameras before walking out of each bank. Later that night, the cops arrested a shocked MacArthur Wheeler. When they showed him the surveillance tapes, Wheeler stared in disbelief. “But I used the juice,” he mumbled. Apparently, for some strange reason, Wheeler believed that rubbing lemon juice on his face would make him unrecognizable to the cameras. (Must have read it on the internet).

When Frank E. Blake’s second and third wives both showed up to visit him while he was serving time in a Virginia jail, police realized that he hadn’t divorced his second wife before marrying his third wife. After doing some research, they found out that Blake hadn’t even divorced his first wife. The polygamy ended up adding additional time to Blake’s sentence.

Andy Warhol predicted that in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. In 2012, Michael Baker from Jenkins, Kentucky, chose an inglorious means of achieving his own fame. He posed for a picture of himself siphoning gas from a patrol car, while smiling and giving the middle finger—which he then posted on Facebook. The photo went viral, being viewed by thousands of people. Among the viewers were the police, who soon thereafter paid him an unpleasant visit.

[Sojourner]

Albert Jackson Dowdy tried to break into a home by smashing a glass door with a can of paint. Unfortunately for him, the can bounced off and broke open. Dowdy eventually got inside but all he collected was a can of tuna fish and a box of oatmeal. On his way out, he stepped in the spilled paint. Officers later followed the paint footprints to a nearby motel and arrested Dowdy he was enjoying his lunch: tuna fish with oatmeal.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for the attempted robbery a Howard Johnson motel. Strangely, she was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

Kristopher Huie was arrested in Johnson County, Texas on felony theft charges. The object of the theft? A fully loaded freight train. He was apprehended shortly after he radioed the dispatcher asking how to release the brake. 

Mark Fisher's girlfriend didn't buy the kind of vehicle he wanted her to, so he set fire to her new car while it was parked in a multilevel parking garage. He made his getaway by leaping over a wall, falling two stories, and landing himself in the hospital.

Linda Harris, the director of a program to reduce drunk driving in New Mexico, came to the group's picnic drunk. And yes, she drove herself there. Police were able to raise awareness at that event by administering the appropriate tests and making the arrest in front of the attendees.

[Sojourner]

Mark Fisher's girlfriend didn't buy the kind of vehicle he wanted her to, so he set fire to her new car while it was parked in a multilevel parking garage. He made his getaway by leaping over a wall, falling two stories, and landing himself in the hospital.

New Jersey Trooper Glenn Lubertazzi stopped a car for speeding and began asking the three passengers routine questions. When of them nervously retrieved a pack of cigarettes from the glove compartment, the officer noticed that a marijuana joint was visible in the pack. A subsequent search of the car turned up several pounds of marijuana. $32,000 in drug money

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Frustrated, the would-be thief walked away.

The Daily Camera reported that a very bad counterfeiter, Douglas Ryan Oeters attempted to pay the Boulder, Colorado Humane Society a pet adoption fee using $20 bills. The problem was the phony bills were clearly photocopies printed on yellow paper. Employees stalled Oeters while the police were notified, and when they arrived , he claimed that the bills had come from his bank. A search of His wallet turned up two genuine $20 bills and 42 yellow photocopies. 

[Sojourner]

The Nashville Tennessean reported an incident in which two armed robbers held up a pizza delivery man. One of the holdup men hit the delivery man him on the head with his gun, though he was not seriously injured. However the blow to the head caused the gun to discharge, killing the other holdup man.

The Tallahassee Democrat told the story of 20-year-old Alonzo Lamar McMillian, who illegally parked in a handicapped space. Officer Greg Tucker's attention was drawn to the car because its stereo was so loud. McMillian refused to move, claiming he would "only be there a minute." Officer Tucker ran a license check, and discovered that the vehicle had been stolen. In addition to charges of grand theft auto and illegally parking in a handicapped space, McMillian earned himself charges for drug possession and battery on a law enforcement officer.  Officer Tucker said of McMillian, "he's not exactly a criminal mastermind."

A would-be holdup man entered the store he had chosen as his target wearing a transparent bag over his head. While this obviously afforded him a full range of vision, with his face clearly visible, it made for a lousy disguise.

The Times of London reported the case of Roland Tough, a 22-year-old robber who dropped off film to be developed at a local Tesco supermarket--the same Tesco he helped rob just two weeks earlier. Store employees recognized the men in one of the photos, and police met him when he came to pick up his prints. The magistrate gave him six years.

[Sojourner]

In Leicester, Massachusetts, a shoplifter tried to block a security camera at a local retailer using Play Doh, then fled the scene, leaving the Play Doh behind. Turns out the soft clay is an excellent medium for retaining fingerprints, which police used to identify him. The Leicester Police Department was apparently very amused by the incident and posted the story on their Facebook page.
 
Wanting a sure way to make himself stop drinking, a man in Stockholm, Sweden offered to serve a friend's jail sentence for driving while intoxicated. He borrowed the friend's ID and showed up to be incarcerated. A couple of weeks later the false identity was discovered, and the result was both men serving time: the original convict for the original crime and the would-be substitute for perjury and impersonation.

What do you do when your getaway driver panics and leaves you stranded? Bank robber Eric Davis decided he would just carjack the first available vehicle. Unfortunately for him, that vehicle was an unmarked police car occupied by two plainclothesmen. Davis was arrested and had two counts of kidnapping added to his robbery charges.

After robbing a bank in Swansea, Massachusetts, Paul Benier’s getaway was adversely impacted when he realized he had locked the keys in his car. He was quickly caught and arrested while attempting to flee on foot.

[Sojourner]

When 22-year-old Norman Hardy was arrested for selling drugs, he pleaded not guilty, and requested a public defender. On the form he had to fill out, under “occupation,” Norman wrote, "selling drugs."

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They steadfastly refused, so the robber called the police--who promptly arrested him.

A bumbling robber decided to disguise himself by covering his face in shaving cream. With no gun and looking ridiculous, he was told by store employees to get lost before they called the cops. Disappointed, he stumbled into the door face first on his way out, leaving most of his “mask” behind on the door glass.

After a London couple were awakened by strange sounds in their home, the man of the house, armed with a golf club, investigated. Finding nothing, he was just about to return to bed when he heard a muffled fart coming from a nearby closet. Snatching the closet door open while wielding the club, he discovered a hapless intruder, cowering among the hanging coats, and held him until the police arrived.

[Sojourner]

A 19-year-old convenience store employee put tape over the security camera, emptied the till, then called police to report a robbery. When the police arrived, they found the camera covered in transparent tape, watched the surveillance video, and subsequently arrested the employee.

Inept burglar Pedro Cardona tried to break into a house by squeezing through the doggy door. Unfortunately, his girth not only hampered his break-in, but also got him hopelessly stuck about halfway in. First responders had to cut the door in half in order to get him out.

A miscreant in a small Iowa town planned and executed a bank robbery, pulling it off without a hitch, and fled with the money. However, he didn’t flee far enough, and was arrested the next day at a motel near the state line, less than 20 miles away. When asked why he stopped so close to the scene of the crime, he explained he was on parole and couldn’t cross the state line without permission from his parole officer.

Kidnappers abducted Gildo dos Santos near his factory in a suburb of Sao Paulo, Brazil, and demanded $690,000 dollars ransom, but Santos was able to escape. The next day, Santos received a call asking for $11,500 to defray the expenses of the kidnapping. After negotiating for half that amount, Santos called the police, who were waiting when Luiz Carlos Valerio, one of the kidnappers, showed up to collect payment.

[Sojourner]

A Kwik-Fill gas station attendant in Syracuse, New York stole $300 dollars from the till, then covered his crime by calling the police to report a robbery. His plan was foiled however, when the description he gave of the robber was a perfect description of himself.

Ronnie Darnell Bell, 30, was arrested in Dallas for attempting to rob the Federal Reserve Bank. According to police, Bell handed a security guard a note that read, “This is a robbery of the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, give me all the money. Thank you, Ronnie Darnell Bell.” The guard pushed a silent alarm while an oblivious Bell chatted amiably, revealing to the guard that minutes earlier he tried to rob a post office but that, “they threw me out.”

Bank robbers usually grab the money and run. Not Jeffrey Thomas. Thomas, 35, walked into the Signet bank in Baltimore, Maryland and handed the teller a note demanding money. When police arrived and asked which direction the robber fled, employees pointed to a man counting cash near a teller’s station. It was Thomas, tallying up his take. Unarmed, he was taken into custody without incident.

On several break-ins Ronald Bradley of Dade County, Florida was careful to wear gloves. Unfortunately for him however, they were golf gloves, which leave the fingertips exposed. Needless to say, he left prints at all of the crime scenes, was arrested and served 3 years.

[Sojourner]

Suspected purse-snatcher Dreese Delon Waddell of suburban Minneapolis stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old victim could have a look at him. When police told him to straighten his ball cap with the bill facing forward, so as to be presentable, he protested, “No, I’m gonna leave it on backwards. That’s how it was when I took the purse.”

In 1993, 24-year-old David Bridges stole a television so he could watch a Dallas Cowboys game. He was arrested when he went back to the house to get the remote.

Brandon Lamont Dawson, 20, was captured after police found a pager he’d left in his car following a homicide. They traced it to Dawson, called him on the phone, and asked him to come in and retrieve the device. He was arrested when he walked into the Panama City police station.

Tony Brite appeared in court in Virginia Beach, Virginia like he was supposed to, then left with two companions after his preliminary hearing. Detective Gary Nelson followed Brite outside and watched as the three got into a new Volvo with New York license plates. Suspicious, he ran a check on the plates and was told they belonged to a Mercedes. The Volvo had been reported stolen the day before from a Virginia dealership. Nelson followed the Volvo into a convenience store parking lot across the street from Virginia Beach’s First Precinct, where all three were arrested without incident.

[Sojourner]

(This one's more about a dumb victim than the criminal). A convenience store clerk reported to police that a man robbed him, and then made him accompany him when he left the store on foot so he couldn't call the police. He went on to tell the police that, as they walked along, the thief had difficulty counting the cash while holding his gun, so he asked the clerk to hold the gun until he finished counting. The clerk did so, after which he obediently handed the gun back to the robber. Not sure if I'm more amazed by the fact he returned the gun or that he admitted it. (You almost wonder if the clerk held the gun on himself while in possession of it).

In July 1979, in Wandsworth, England, a man burst into a small grocery store, shouting to the cashier, “Give me the money from the till, or I’ll shoot!” Perplexed, the cashier asked, “where’s your gun?” After an awkward silence, the would-be thief admitted he didn’t have one, but if the clerk gave him any trouble, he’d go and get one and come back. After a few moments without a response, the disappointed crook turned and quietly walked out.

Raymond Cuthbert and an accomplice entered a drug store in Vernon, British Columbia and announced that they would be returning in half an hour to rob the place. After they left the store, an employee called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who arrested the criminal masterminds when they returned as promised.

[Sojourner]

Terry Johnson, of Chicago, Illinois had no trouble identifying the men who burglarized her apartment on August 17, 1981. All she had to do was write down number of the badge one of them was wearing, and the identity number on the fender of the squad car they left in. The two officers—Stephen Webber, 33, and Tyrone Pickens, 32, were dressed in full uniform when they committed the crime and used police equipment. (Well, this is Chicago we’re talking about).

In May 2020, a camera store owner was walking to his Riverside, California shop when 25-year-old Johnny Angel Robles asked if he wanted to buy “several hundred dollars worth of camera equipment”. The store owner said no, but when he got to his shop and noticed signs of a break-in, he quickly called the police. Robles, who was on probation, was still in the area when the squad car arrived. He ran but didn’t get far. In short order, the camera equipment went back on the shelves, and Robles went back to jail. 

[Sojourner]

Vinny Marks was driving in Napoleonville, Louisiana one night in June 2020, when he began flashing his headlights at the car in front of him. When the car pulled into a parking lot, Marks blocked it in, got out, and flashed a badge at the other driver. One problem: Marks was not a cop. Another problem: the other driver was, and knew Marks wasn’t a cop because he recognized him from a recent domestic incident he investigated. Marks was later charged with false imprisonment and impersonating a police officer.

In November 2021, residents in a Manitoba, Winnipeg neighborhood called police to report a break-in at a vacant house. They also reported a gas leak coming from the same house. Officers went in and found a man and a woman, both in their forties, passed out on the floor next to the furnace they were trying to steal. Officers carried the couple outside, waited until they regained consciousness, then arrested them. A neighbor turned off the gas.

[Sojourner]

A man in Brighton, England jumped out of a taxicab and fled without paying—leaving a bag of marijuana behind. Amazingly, he called the cab company about the pot, and was told it had been turned over to the police. So, he immediately hustled on down to the police station to claim his property.

In another case of a criminal being both dumb and unlucky, a thief broke into a home and stole several low value items, but also found a checkbook. He filled out one of the checks, making it payable to him, and forged the signature of the account owner. Visiting the bank that issued the checks, he proceeded to a teller window to cash the check. Against astronomical odds, the teller he picked turned out to be the owner of the checks. Things did not go well for him.

A Tampa, Florida burglar decided to rob a convenience store, not realizing it was open 24 hours a day. He scaled the back of the store, and cut a hole in the roof--through which he fell through and landed on top of the coffee maker—just as a very surprised cop was about to get a cup of coffee.