Flubbed Headlines

[Sojourner]

The following are actual headlines culled from various newspapers across the country:

    Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Miners Refuse to Work After Death

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    Stolen Painting Found by Tree

    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

    War Dims Hope for Peace

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

    Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip

    Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

    Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death

    Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often

    Man Found Dead In Cemetery

    Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters

    Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!

    Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

    Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders

    Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty

    Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

    Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell

    Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet

    Georgia Peaches, California Grown 89 Cents lb.

    Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

    Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

    Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge, Neither Jumper Nor Body Found

    After Detour To California, Shuttle Returns To Earth

[Sojourner]

Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast

Body Search Reveals $4,000 in Crack

New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead

Shouting Match Ends Teacher’s Hearing

Dr. Gonzalez Gives Talk on Moon

[Sojourner]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Man Seeking Help for Dog Charged with DUI

Navy SEALS Responsible for Getting Osama Bin Laden to Be Honored at Museum

General Who Ran Vietnam Briefly Dies at 86

Police Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

[Sojourner]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Students Cook and Serve Grandparents

Utah Girl Does Well in Dog Show

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

Legislatures Tax Brains to Cut Deficit

Meat Head Resigns

[Fenris]

Meat Head Resigns

Never liked that guy. Always preferred Archie.

[Sojourner]

Jellyfish Apocalypse Not Coming

Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking For Herself

Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25