BibleForums Christian Message Board
Other Categories => Clean Christian Humor => Topic started by: Sojourner on October 26, 2023, 04:06:35 PM
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1. Understand that no matter how fast you run or how far ahead of the lumbering, machete-wielding killer you are, he can step out from behind a tree ahead of you at any time.
2. Never summon demons or open a portal to hell by reading from ancient, obscure text, even as a joke.
3. Never get into your vehicle at night before checking the back seat. You've been warned.
4. As a general rule, don't tinker around with recombinant DNA. Nothing good will come of it.
5. If you witness someone growing fur and fangs, don't just stand there watching the transformation. Take the opportunity to escape.
6. If your car breaks down or runs out of gas in an isolated area, don't go to the isolated, creepy-looking house for help. It won't turn out well for you.
7. If other guests at a summer camp are being slaughtered one by one, take the hint, and leave immediately.
8. Never purchase property that was once a graveyard or sacred Native American burial ground. Save yourself some grief and do a little historical research.
9. Never approach the creature to make sure it's dead. It isn't, and it will kill you.
10. If the lights suddenly go out for no reason, don't go down in the basement to check the fuses. Get out of the house immediately.
11. As a rule, don't flee from the creature by running through a graveyard or cornfield, as that generally doesn't turn out well.
12. Understand that locking yourself in a car without the keys affords little protection unless the windows are unbreakable.
13. When trying to get away from the killer, don't expect to conveniently find car keys over the sun visor of a nearby car or truck, as that only happens in the movies. Better to just flee on foot.
14. While fleeing for your life, expect to trip and fall at least once, and plan accordingly.
15. If a blow to the head has the relentless psychotic killer on the floor stunned, don't stop bashing until his skull is caved in.
16. When the killer chasing you and a friend is closing in, don't hesitate to trip your friend. Better him than you.
17. If that creepy-looking doll appeared to move or change expression, don't blow it off as your imagination. Immediately chop it into pieces, and then burn the pieces.
18. When fleeing a homicidal maniac in your house, don't make the rookie mistake of running upstairs. Even if you manage to escape through a window, you'll break a leg jumping to freedom, and he'll get you. Besides, you probably past the front door to take the stairs. Idiot.
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Number ten is not a problem. If the lights suddenly go out for no reason, a blue glow will appear from nowhere and you can navigate with that, preferably to the front door and out into the, more illuminated even at night, street.
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Say "Beetlejuice" 3 times
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Never say "Candyman" 5 times in front of a mirror.
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Never take a shower in a sketchy motel…
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Befriend The Slayer
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Steer clear of the weird neighbor that invited you to see his eyeball collection. (Especially if he has complimented you on your baby blues).
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Ensure the escape auto has a push button start. Don't even have to take the keys out of your pocket.
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When going to investigate the mysterious bump in the night, don't go exploring wearing your skimpiest nightwear.
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When going to investigate the mysterious bump in the night, don't go exploring wearing your skimpiest nightwear.
I though men were required to go in ugly flannel pajamas carrying an old baseball bat and women were required to go in their tiniest panties and a very tight cut off t shirt.
How else will you escape the monster/maniac,
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When going to investigate the mysterious bump in the night, don't go exploring wearing your skimpiest nightwear.
I though men were required to go in ugly flannel pajamas carrying an old baseball bat
I thought it was "whitey-tighties".
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Shine the flashlight back on your face. Spooks hate that.
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Announce that you have been, in fact, the horror all along, as you peel back your skin...
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When the Horror goes down, make sure they're dead before you go.
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If you can't figure out where the danger is, always look for the cobra wrapped around the base of the toilet.
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Taking the shortcut through the creepy graveyard during the thunderstorm while the moon is full will almost certainly not prove to be a wise choice.
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Kinda surprised this hasn't turned up yet.
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If you're investigating a noise and your cat suddenly jumps out at you, anticipate an encounter with the homicidal killer when you turn around.
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News flash: the killer searching for you will check under the bed and in the closet, so don't hide there. If you're cornered in a bedroom, you're better off trying to escape through a window.
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If you're severely arachnophobic don't go anywhere near the spider farm located beside the nuclear power station, especially after a radiation leak. It won't end well.
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(https://i.servimg.com/u/f76/19/97/74/51/23517110.jpg) (https://servimg.com/view/19977451/79)
Avoid hitchhiking ?
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If you hear a strange sound while making out in a secluded spot, don't just ignore it. Start the car immediately, and peel out.
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If you begin experiencing spooky supernatural events in your new home, don't wait for it to get worse. Also, don't bother consulting with local paranormal investigators. Contact your realtor instead, and relocate ASAP.
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2 words: Psilocybin popcorn.
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In the unlikely event you're able to use your cell phone to call 911 while hiding from the psychopathic killer, don't be surprised if the cop who shows up quickly becomes another one of his victims.
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If the killer is attempting to run you down with his vehicle, understand that you can't outrun it on foot. Get off the road immediately and head off into the trees, between some houses, or anywhere else the vehicle can't go.
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Never join a team of workers sent out to investigate the mysterious disappearance of an earlier team.
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Never leave the group and go off alone for any reason. Above all, never utter the words, "I'll be right back."
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If the killer comes into the room where you're hiding, make sure the ringer on your cell phone is off.
Don't be fooled into thinking the maniac has given up looking for you and left. He's just waiting for you to come out of your hiding place.
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If you begin experiencing progressively more disturbing paranormal events in your new home, save yourself a lot of grief: pack up and move immediately.
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If you come home and find a window open that you know was closed, don't just shut it and go about your business. Proceed on the assumption that there's a stranger in your house who means you harm.
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I feel like picking the right companion(s) is critical for surviving such a situation. It might seem pleasant to spend the adventure with an attractive member of the opposite sex, but that person is probably going to freeze up at some critical moment and cost you both your lives. Better to pick the biggest, ugliest goon you can find. The intimidation factor might even work on the killer!
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I feel like picking the right companion(s) is critical for surviving such a situation. It might seem pleasant to spend the adventure with an attractive member of the opposite sex, but that person is probably going to freeze up at some critical moment and cost you both your lives. Better to pick the biggest, ugliest goon you can find. The intimidation factor might even work on the killer!
That and having your Glock at the ready...
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If a sound wakes you up at night, don't just raise up, look around and lay back down. Grab your gun and call 911.
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If your dog either acts fearful or growls at seemingly nothing, consider that dogs are aware of things that are imperceptible to us, and be on guard. Especially if the hair on his neck bristles up.
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That and having your Glock at the ready...
Always do.
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That and having your Glock at the ready...
Always do.
The Glocks belong to my wife
I’m carrying a Kimber or a SW M&P
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Have I brought this up already? There's a fun game where you pick some famous person with your birthday and decide whether you'd survive a horror movie with them as a partner.
My son has the same birthday as Mr T. He's good to go "I pity the fool".
My stepson has the same birthday as Sean Bean (killed in Lord of the Rings, killed in Game of Thrones, in fact click me for a list of 24 different movies that he's died in (https://screenrant.com/sean-bean-deaths-onscreen-game-thrones-lord-rings/#far-north-2007). Obviously he's not surviving a horror movie.
I have Abraham Lincoln, who was reputedly extremely tough, so I'm good to go provided that there's no theatre in this horror movie. Omar Bradley would be a good second choice.
Anyone else want to play?
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Halloween
No one I would call to survive, except that I would use them to feed the monsters while I ran.
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Halloween
:o
You are the monster.
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Have I brought this up already? There's a fun game where you pick some famous person with your birthday and decide whether you'd survive a horror movie with them as a partner.
My son has the same birthday as Mr T. He's good to go "I pity the fool".
My stepson has the same birthday as Sean Bean (killed in Lord of the Rings, killed in Game of Thrones, in fact click me for a list of 24 different movies that he's died in (https://screenrant.com/sean-bean-deaths-onscreen-game-thrones-lord-rings/#far-north-2007). Obviously he's not surviving a horror movie.
I have Abraham Lincoln, who was reputedly extremely tough, so I'm good to go provided that there's no theatre in this horror movie. Omar Bradley would be a good second choice.
Anyone else want to play?
Coincidentally I have the same birthday as your son and Mr. T. I.suggest.the 3 of us team up. Their is strength in numbers
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Halloween
:o
You are the monster.
That is highly likely
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Halloween
No one I would call to survive, except that I would use them to feed the monsters while I ran.
When you tease me about my running just remember, in a horror situation I don't have to outrun the monster - I just have to outrun you :P
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Halloween
No one I would call to survive, except that I would use them to feed the monsters while I ran.
When you tease me about my running just remember, in a horror situation I don't have to outrun the monster - I just have to outrun you :P
No doubt
And while I can run any more, I’m still strong enough to carry 2 fully loads 15 round magazines. I just stop and wait for whatever it is that wants to chase me
Oh
And I can carry $100 worth of groceries in one hand…
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No doubt
And while I can run any more, I’m still strong enough to carry 2 fully loads 15 round magazines. I just stop and wait for whatever it is that wants to chase me
What you really need is the ability to hold a fully loaded gattling gun in one hand, like Arnold Schwarzenegger did in the movie Predator.
And I can carry $100 worth of groceries in one hand…
Most people can hold a candy bar in one hand.... :P
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Coincidentally I have the same birthday as your son and Mr. T. I.suggest.the 3 of us team up. Their is strength in numbers
WooHoo! You guys are good to go.
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And while I can run any more, I’m still strong enough to carry 2 fully loads 15 round magazines. I just stop and wait for whatever it is that wants to chase me
This.
I mean if I'm heavily armed, why am I running? Just pick a good spot for an ambush spot and wait for him/her/it come to me.
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And while I can run any more, I’m still strong enough to carry 2 fully loads 15 round magazines. I just stop and wait for whatever it is that wants to chase me
This.
I mean if I'm heavily armed, why am I running? Just pick a good spot for an ambush spot and wait for him/her/it come to me.
Better make sure you have at least one magazine loaded with silver bullets, depending on what kind of monster is chasing you.
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Better make sure you have at least one magazine loaded with silver bullets, depending on what kind of monster is chasing you.
Hmm. You do make a fair point.
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Let's not forget, bullets are ineffective on some some killers like Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and Victor Crowley, and they won't stay dead no matter how many times you kill them.
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Do not disinter Johnny Depp.
(https://i.ibb.co/2SzKs2P/actor-johnny-depp-219866-large.jpg) (https://ibb.co/7Q3yRcV)