Funny Court Transcripts

[Sojourner]

  Among my humor archives, I found a collection of funny court transcripts from actual court proceedings. Here are some of the best ones.

  Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  A: No.
  Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
  A: No.
  Q: Did you check for breathing?
  A: No.
  Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  A: No.
  Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
  A. Well, I suppose it's possible that he could be practicing law somewhere.

  Q. Do you regret having shot a man?
  A. It used to bother me. But the more I don't think about, the more it don't bother me.

  Q. Tell me doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

  Q. Were you alone at that time, or by yourself?

  Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
  A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

  Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder         trial?
  A. The victim lived.

  Q  Now doctor, can you take a look at these xrays and tell us something about the injury?
  A. Let's see...which side am I testifying for again?

  Q. Was the defendant awake or asleep when you saw him?
  A. He was pretending to be awake, but he was really asleep.

  Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
  A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
  Q. It was covered?
  A. Yes, bandaged.
  Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
  A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

  Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
  A. By death.
  Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

 Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
 A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

 Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
 A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

  Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
  A. I will be three months November 8th.
  Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
  A. Yes.
  Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

  Q. You know, I don't know, but I mean, you know--you don't know, but you know.
  Do you know what I mean?
  A. Do I? No. Do I know? No.

  Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
  A. I should be.
  Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
  A. Four times.

  Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
  A. Yes, sir.
  Q. Before or after he died?

  Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
  A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

  Q. What happened then?
  A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
  Q. Did he kill you?
  A. No.

  Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your                   attorney?
  A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

  Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
  A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.

  Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for he time being excluding all       the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to       the station?
  MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

  Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
  A. Oral.
  Q. How old are you?
  A. Oral.

  Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

  Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
  A. I could see his head.
  Q. And where was his head?
  A. Just above his shoulders.

  Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot             in the fracas?
  A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

  Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
  A: Not yet.

  The court: You've been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?
  A: You don't have to appoint a very good lawyer, I'm gonna plead guilty anyway.

  Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
  A. Yes, sir.
  Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

[Athanasius]

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Somebody's watched too much Airplane! Or has been to court many, many times.