Dumb Criminals!

[Sojourner]

We all get a chuckle from nefarious miscreants whose criminal antics end in buffoonery. So enjoy the following examples of crime converging with stupidity.

A would-be thief had obviously watched too much TV. While trying to break into his neighbor’s house using a bank card, he woke up the owner. In the thief’s haste to get away, the card snapped in half, leaving behind his name and account details. “The victim called up and read us the details off the card,” police said. “When we got to the burglar’s house, the other half of his bank card was on his kitchen table.”

A 40-year-old man walked into a bank, handed the cashier a threatening note that read: “Be Quick Be Quit [quiet]. Give your cash or I’ll shoot.” The bank teller obliged and handed him $400, and he made good his escape. The problem is the stick-up note he left behind had been scribbled on a piece of his pay slip. Detectives found the other half of the pay slip outside the bank – complete with the bank robber’s name and home address.

Dennis Hawkins, a 48-year-old man who tried to rob a bank in Pittsburgh, clearly didn’t get the memo about needing a disguise that allowed blending into the crowd following the crime. He chose a woman’s blonde wig, fake breasts and bright clown pants. He also neglected to shave his facial hair. If he wasn’t conspicuous enough, he drew even more attention to himself trying to steal a car from a nearby gas station, prompting the attendant to call the police, who apprehended Hawkins soon after.

In 2010, Albert Bailey and an unnamed juvenile accomplice decided to rob a bank in Fairfield, Ct. In an attempt to speed up the process of the crime, Bailey called the bank in advance to let them know that they were coming to rob it. His obvious intent was to give the bank plenty of time to get the money ready so he could just grab it and leave quickly. Well, as luck would have it, the bank decided to call the authorities and notified them of the robbers’ plan. The two men were arrested by police without incident.

In 2008, an 18-year-old man named Ruben Zarate attempted to rob a muffler shop in Chicago. After demanding money, he was told that most of the cash was stored in a safe that could only be opened by the manager, who wasn’t scheduled to come in until a few hours later. To save himself some trouble, Zarate left his cell phone number for the store to call him back once the manager arrived. Of course, the store first called the police and then called Zarate back. When he came back and noticed the police were waiting for him, he engaged in a brief shootout with the cops before eventually being arrested.

When you're planning a burglary, picking the right target is critical, preferably one devoid of occupants. The worst possible target would be a house full of police officers. Well, that's precisely the one Darren Kimpton inadvertently chose. Seems that house had been burglarized earlier in the evening, and police officers were still inside when Kimpton tried to break in. If that wasn't bad enough, he had previously tried to rob a separate house earlier, but cut himself badly and fled. The trail of blood he left between the two houses got him collared for both attempted robberies.

[Sojourner]

In August of 1995, a man in Berlin decided to rob a bank with a handgun. The plan went smoothly until the tellers asked him “Do you need a bag?” to which Schmidt responded, “You’re damn right it’s a real gun!” This made it obvious to the tellers that the robber was deaf. With this new realization, they sounded the alarm which notified the police, with Schmidt none the wiser. In a funny twist, Schmidt later tried to sue the bank for abusing his disability.

Breaking into homes can be tiring work, but most criminals are smart enough to wait until they get home before taking a nap. Not Mark Smith. In 2007, Smith, under the influence of Valium and vodka, decided to break into a home and, since he was likely feeling the effects of the drugs and alcohol, curled up for a nap in the homeowner’s bed. He received a rude awakening by the local police and was later sentenced to 18 months.

In probably the most ill-conceived disguise in the history of crime, two men chose to draw on their faces with a permanent marker. While it may have made them hard to recognize during the crime, permanent marker is, as the name suggests, notoriously hard to remove, which left the men extremely easy to identify later when the police went looking for the culprits. The hare-brained idea earned the duo the nickname “dumb and dumber.”

[Sojourner]

Planning is hugely important when committing a crime and is essential to its success. This was lost on Derrick Mosley, who took a baseball bat with him on his way to rob a gun store. As it is a gun shop, it’s not surprising that the manager pulled a gun on the would-be robber and kept him in the crosshairs until authorities arrived.

On a sunny day in March, a 17-year-old boy in Omaha, Nebraska, decided to stick a gun in the face of a woman who was taking her son to school, demanding that she give him her car. She, of course, obliged and the boy was about to take off when he realized the car had a manual transmission, which he was unable to drive. After fumbling a bit with the gear shift and clutch, he gave up and bolted on foot, but was caught by authorities a short time later.

British Andrew Hennells was caught after he boasted in a post on Facebook about his plan to rob a supermarket. The post included a selfie, a picture of a knife, and the words: "Doing. Tesco. Over." Police soon apprehended with the knife and £410 in cash stolen from a Tesco in King's Lynn, Norfolk. Last April, he was sentenced to four years.

[Sojourner]

Recently, a woman in Fresno, California, was detained at a DUI checkpoint for being inebriated. Cheerful and forthcoming, she told the officer, “My husband’s right behind me, and he’s even drunker than I am.”

As two men waited in line at a coffee shop to pay their bill, a third cut in front of them. He threw a drink at the clerk and demanded all the money from the till. Temporarily surprised, the men quickly recovered and handcuffed the crook. The would-be robber somehow failed to notice that the two men beside him were uniformed police officers.

Scottish shoplifter Aron Morrison was picked up after pinching a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. It wasn’t hard to find Morrison, though. His name and phone number were left with the clerk—after asking her out on a date.

Police in Ossining, New York were called to a mini mart, where they found Blake Leak, 23, trying to break in. They chased Leak through the streets until both cops took a tumble. Seizing the opportunity, Leak sought refuge on the grounds of a large building—which turned out to be Sing Sing Maximum Security Prison. Leak was promptly nabbed by a guard.

[Sojourner]

A man walked into a liquor store, whipped out a gun and demanded all the money from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch behind the counter that he wanted. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying, "I don't believe you're 21." The robber insisted he was, but the clerk still refused to believe him. At this point, the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber from off the license. They arrested him two hours later.

A robber held up a Li'l Cricket store in Spartanburg, S.C., and the clerk hit the silent alarm. A deputy's car pulled up outside, unnoticed by the holdup man. The clerk asked permission to go out and tell the "customer" that the store was closed. The robber agreed, allowing the clerk to get to safety and the deputy to make the arrest.

A man who robbed a convenience was quickly apprehended after cops followed his footprints in the snow to his nearby house.

A winning lottery ticket in Missouri would have been worth $100,000, except that it was one of hundreds stolen by Chastity Cromer from the convenience store where she worked. She might have gotten away it had she not reneged on the $2,000 bribe to a coworker to keep her mouth shut.

A woman reporting a stolen car mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, telling the guy who answered that he had read the For Sale ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was promptly arrested.

[Sojourner]

Accused of selling drugs, Howard Jones's attorney sought to get his client's $150,000 bail lowered, insisting that Jones had ties to the community and no intention of fleeing. Moments later, however, Jones sprinted out of the courtroom and out the front door of the building. He was caught fifty minutes later, and his bail was raised to $500,000.

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "I mean, if I'd been the one that was there." The jury later took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

According to the Reuters news service, a 17-year-old burst into a Fort Worth, Texas, tanning salon, making the owner suspicious. He claimed that he was not being chased, but after assigning him a tanning bed, the owner called the cops. Police in pursuit of a bank robbery suspect in the neighborhood soon showed up and quickly identified the youth as their suspect.

After breaking into the basement window of a bank, a would-be thief realized that there was no access to the money from there. Unable to exit the window and bleeding severely from cuts from the broken glass, he took out his cell phone and called 911.

After leaving his gun at a holdup scene, a robber returned to retrieve it. Realizing he would be recognized, he cleverly represented himself as his twin brother. 

[Sojourner]

Having just broken out of prison, a man realized he had forgotten the phone number of the accomplice he was to supposed to rendezvous with. Finding a phone booth, he attempted to get the information by calling 411. He instead dialed 911, and hung up quickly when he heard the dispatcher. The police, responding to a 911 hangup, arrived minutes later, to find him still on the phone and wearing his orange jumpsuit.

After robbing a bank, Darryl Ellis of Gulfport, Mississippi was arrested for urinating in public. Police found the holdup note when they searched him.

Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic found eighteen packages of marijuana packed in the engine compartment of her car. The woman, who had taken her car in for an oil change, said that she did not realize he would have to lift the hood to get the job done.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Arkansas was the home of a company named "Dewey Cheatham and Howe." Well, as you can guess, it wasn't a real company, but a fictitious name fronting a fraudulent scheme set up by 54-year-old Patrick Michael Penker, who apparently watched too many episodes of the Three Stooges. Apparently, many people missed those episodes, because his scheme netted him a million dollars before bank officer John Reed of the American State Bank in Lubbock, Texas got suspicious. The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal broke the story.

[Sojourner]

Baltimore newspaper, The Sun, reported that Edwin V. Gaynor applied to become a police officer and truthfully reported on the application form that he had committed a carjacking and two robberies. He even had an outstanding warrant.

Barry Colbert was cited for driving while intoxicated and for driving with a suspended license. He actually got behind the wheel after a collision but before the police got there. The real driver was cited for driving without a license, driving without headlights, and running a stop sign. The reason he didn't have a license: seven-year-olds aren't allowed to have them! Colbert was also cited for allowing his youngster to operate a motor vehicle.

Belgian news agency Belga reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at that same time.

Charged with drug possession, Christopher Johns claimed that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer did not need a warrant because a bulge in Johns' jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day. When he handed the judge the jacket, a bag of cocaine fell out. The judge required a five-minute recess so that he could regain his composure.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves even as the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. The traffickers were crafty but not meticulous, as they misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the nearest 3 bags of money. The bags weighed 30 pounds each and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. Turns out that instead of cash, each bag contained $800 dollars in pennies.

[tango]

I liked the story about the guy who decided to hold up his local Wells Fargo. He wrote his stickup note on the back of a deposit slip and waited in line to see the cashier. While waiting in line he was afraid someone might have seen him writing his note, so he crossed the road and went to the Bank of America. Again he waited in line, and presented his note to the cashier. Seeing the numerous spelling mistakes she figured he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so she told him that she couldn't accept his note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip and he'd need to either fill in a Bank of America deposit slip or take it to Wells Fargo. The man, dejected, left the bank and the cashier called the police. The man was arrested standing in line across the road at the Wells Fargo, still holding his stickup note.

[tango]

I read another story of a man who decided to rob a commercial building by climbing onto the roof and dropping in through one of the skylights. The problem was he didn't quite fit through the skylight, so he took off some clothes and tried again. He still didn't fit, so he took off some more clothes until he was stripped to his underwear, but he was able to drop in through the skylight. Sadly he had failed to consider his exit plan, and found himself stuck in the building with no way out and no clothes. Defeated, he called 911 and surrendered himself.

[Sojourner]

Deputies responding to a 911 call discovered that Jeffrey Barber hadn’t actually shot himself as it appeared. He was playing a joke on his wife. The blood was fake, but the gun was real. Turns out Jeffrey, as a convicted felon, was unable to legally possess a gun, so the joke was on him, and got him fifteen years in prison.

A drug dealer in Anchorage, Alaska was arrested after selling cocaine to an undercover officer. A year later, he was arrested again for selling crack to the same cop.
 
A hapless criminal attempting to break into a corner store hurled a cinderblock at its plate glass window. The window, however, turned out to plexiglass, causing the cinderblock to rebound and knock the perp out cold.
     
56-year-old Leighton Deming and 42-year-old Thomas Marciano tried to sell a headdress, which they claimed had been worn by Geronimo, over the internet. Their ad included the wording "only serious candidates need respond because it is illegal to sell eagle feathers in the United States." Apparently, the FBI was a serious candidate.
 
"Guns For Hire," an Arizona company that helps moviemakers with the staging of gunfights, received a call from a 47-year-old housewife who it seems, wanted her husband rubbed out.

Having watched too many movies, and thinking that police would need three minutes to trace a call, fugitive Michael LaRock placed a quick call from Georgia to police back home in New York to rub it in. He was soon apprehended, thanks to Caller ID.

[Sojourner]

A Holiday Inn in Anchorage, Alaska, was hosting a law enforcement training conference. That fact was boldly stated on the marquee outside and the large banners inside. Oblivious, Floyd Brown entered the building and tried to hold up the desk clerk. Thirty officers swarmed in and assisted in apprehending the criminal mastermind.

[Sojourner]

In Kentucky, two men tried to remove the front of an ATM machine using a chain hooked to their pickup's bumper. Instead of the machine, the bumper yielded. The men fled the scene, leaving behind the machine, the chain, and the bumper--with the license plate attached.

[Sojourner]

The remains of would-be burglar Joseph Schexnider--missing for 27 years, were finally discovered lodged in a brick chimney at the Abbeville National Bank in Louisiana. The bones were found in May when the bank was renovating the second floor, which had long been used for storage, to make more office space.The identity of the body was confirmed this week through DNA.

[Sojourner]

According to the Toronto Star, 26-year-old Gerald Dixon of Peterborough was sentenced to 6 years in prison for robbing a Bank of Montreal branch. He successfully pulled off the heist, but was arrested a few hours after the robbery, attempting to deposit the loot into his account at the same bank.